I finally fell asleep at about 5 am this morning and woke about 8 am. At least a little rest has been had. Now I have been sitting around doing nothing because I’m too exhausted. It’s a double-edged sword, though; as sitting around all day won’t help me sleep tonight.
The day after she had moved out I couldn’t rest. My mind was turning with all the worst things and anger was brewing. So, I called her and told her how I was feeling. She reassured me the only reason she was moving out was to get some time out on her own. She said she was not being influenced by her peers and we had raised her right; she still planned to live the gospel standards and continue with college; and her father and I had no reason to feel as if we had failed. We did everything right. The only reason she had pushed me away the night before, she explained, was because she felt I didn’t trust her. I did feel better and the anger and concern subsided. Perhaps it was just as simple as she wanted to be on her own. But, it could have waited until she moved off to college instead of now when all her friends I don’t know anything about nor have the same values she was raised with. And, if they do, then I would expect them to be transparent and introduce themselves to me.
What is it with kids and the constant need as parents to defend ourselves against the supposed lack of trust? I do trust her. My problem is I don’t trust her naivety and ignorance against the cruel, selfish, and unforgiving world. More than once she has had her phone hijacked, money or other valuables stolen from her purse by leaving it open and unattended, and most recently she had lent her computer to a friend who dropped it and broke the fan.
She came to church on Sunday and on our way home my husband tells me she has worked it out with her aunt to drive her van, just so long as she pays for the gas and the insurance. My countenance dropped to the floor once again. The night before she had moved out we had made arrangements for us to share our two cars. She would have it for the weekends and I would have it for the week. Every day I would pick her up and we would ride together to work/school, as we had done for the past year. We do have a third vehicle, but there is something seriously wrong with the brakes and my husband using it to drive to work would create another $160.00 per month financial burden on us that we cannot afford right now. Besides, this would be a good experience for her to learn to live without. Instead, she finds a way to spend $200 a month in gas and insurance – if she’s lucky. Instead of learning how to do without she found a way to create an expense. When she came to our house we did learn more. She understands she needs to wait a few months to save money, etc., so I start to feel a little better again.
The roller coaster just continues. I’ll feel better and then I’ll learn of a decision she has made without consulting with us that isn’t a good decision. Which one of these decisions is going to ruin everything? What’s next? I could go on. It just bothers me so much. We’ve been thrown to the curb and our input means very little.
I never expected this of her. She has always been very good and dependable. She is a very hard worker and can outwork most men. She has always been very straightforward and smart. She was the one I never had to worry about. And, now I can’t even function normally. I feel good and then I don’t. I never know when it’s going to hit.